A Reason for Falling — Looking Backwards, Forwards, Up, and Down

Oct 06, 2024

Nobody has asked me to do this, but it sure feels that it’s expected.

To write something, or have some kind of product or post, now that A Reason for Falling has premiered. Over a month ago, now, and all I’ve done is make one post without much comment on Instagram.

It’s a tad frustrating, because it feels like there’s something I have to say, but I don’t know what it is. And I’m not sure how long I’ll have to sit and think in order to figure it out, or how much time there is to do said sitting and thinking. It feels like there are always things that always need doing, and even more ways to distract myself.

A little dramatic, perhaps, but it feels like I’m falling, things are out of control, and there’s nothing to do but hang on for the ride.

One of the few photos from the performance in which my on-stage self looks like me in real life. Photo by Way Studios (@waystudios.co).

Over the past month, I’ve tried a few times to do set thoughts down on (digital) paper, to think about what’s happened, how I felt, and how I feel. Most prominently, though, I just feel tired. I went straight from the solo into travelling back to Europe and starting a new semester in a new place, and didn’t have the chance to let things sit and settle, and to figure out what’s happening on the inside.

I’m a little sad about that. About not having had the chance to sit with things, and take time to rest.

Now, instead, I’m about a month into a new semester in school, and things are only going to get busier.

Not least because, well, there’s another performance coming up! Which in spite of how heavy this post has felt so far, I’m excited about and looking forward to.

A Reason for Falling is heading back to Singapore, in its completed state!

Unfortunately, I’m not going to have much time immediately after this show, either, to have a sit and think. I have to come back to Clermont-Ferrand (where I’m writing this now) to finish my semester.

After investing (and continuing to invest) so much of my life into this project, it’d be nice to be able to take some time to find resolution, too. And to really plan it in, this experience of allowing things to settle, and to end well. If anyone has suggestions about how to do this, in a very limited amount of time, I’m all ears!

What I do know, now, is that a resolution has to be planned in. It’s not just about finishing the performance and having a good show, and that’s it. There is a need to actively resolve things for myself, once the show in Singapore is over.

A podcast I was listening to recently — can’t quite remember which — pointed this out. When it comes too things like holidays, it isn’t how long they are that’s important. It’s what highlights you had during a holiday, and how you ended it. Having highlights that you remember, and an ending that brings peace and satisfaction, are more important than having long holidays that end badly. The latter kind might just lead to the oft heard feeling of needing a holiday to recover from the holiday. This, if I remember the podcast correctly, affect both your experience immediately after the holiday and how, in the long-term, you remember the experience.

I don’t know how I’m going to celebrate or resolve after the show in December, but it’s good to be reminded that I should be thinking about this. There are a coupla months to figure things out.

What I do remember fondly, looking back on the days leading up to a show, is having a whole team gathered around me, for this one show. For one person to be on stage, for 50 minutes or so, a whole team had to come together. This was pretty special.

Xinzhi, my classmate from NAFA days, who was my stage manager for this show. Ren Xin, another fellow NAFA person, who was my performance and movement coach. Yong Huay, whom I’ve also known for years and years, coming on board as lighting designer. Pey Sien, whom I haven’t known for so long, but who has been such a good friend and who was absolutely indispensable in getting the show at KongsiKL up and running. And then there was the tech and setup crew, and others who came in to help with ticketing and front-of-house.

Walking out from KongsiKL to go and eat dinner some days, it felt like I had become, for a little while, the leader of some kind of gang, who had coalesced around me to support me and to make this dream of a show possible.

It was surreal. Felt a little like this:

And then, having family and friends come and watch. Many whom I’ve known for years, some who I don’t know so well, yet still came to catch the show. Some came to Kuala Lumpur from Ipoh (a 2 hour drive), some from Penang (a 4+ hour drive), some from JB (5 hours ish? — all drive times not including the ridiculous traffic of KL and Malaysian highways).

This was special too, and also very strange. The vast majority of my professional career has been spent outside of Malaysian, so to have people who have known my my whole life come and watch was a little unusual. Gave a number of friends and some extended family a chance to finally see what I’ve spent my whole adult life doing. Hopefully, it gave them a chance to feel what I’ve spent my whole adult life doing. That’s a more worthwhile feeling than just seeing what’s up, I reckon. And the hope of any artist, I think.

This is where I draw things to a conclusion. Partially ‘cause I feel better, having written the section just above. Remembering the things to be thankful for, witth regard to how this experience of performing at KongsiKL went down.

In time to come, I’ll try to think about what it’s meant to invest six-and-a-half years and counting of my life into this one performance. And I’ll reflect on what it means to have been supported by so many people and institutions (well, people in institutions!) along the way too.

For now, though, I’ll sign off, and leave you with a few pictures from the show, and the hopes that I’ll see you in the audience when I perform in Singapore in December! Or in a theatre nearer you.

Till then.

Photos by Way Studios (@waystudios.co):